@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person.

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.

   I slept like a baby last night! (I woke up crying because I was hungry)

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   I just spelled something so badly that my autocorrect had to LOL.

   laughing at all the lovey dovey posts today from the same people who were so miserable in the exact same relationships that they felt it news worthy enough to post how miserable, unhappy and thoroughly disgusted they were with that exact same person

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   I was born at a very early age.

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.