@shaunpatrick01 Funny Status Messages

   why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? cause it does not need cleaning yet!

   I recently took up mediation, its better than sitting around doing nothing

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   my daughter asked my wife if I loved her, mommys responses was, "yes dear, daddy loves everyone...he is on prozac"

   I was painting the ceiling when my wife comes in and asks if I'm holding the brush tight, I said yes, why? I was told, "I'm taking the ladder!"

   You know the bars are closing when you see drunk girls in high heels walking down the street with the grace of newborn baby giraffes.

   The drunk text from a guy you decided not to go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot

   People in relationships are so lucky they don't have to worry about what they look like anymore.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school

   People just dont get practical jokes any more, prank calls, super glue on the toilet, the electic toaster in the bath... Sigh

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast