@plasticmortal Funny Status Messages

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   "Old people need to urinate all the time... That's why they call it the golden years"

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.