@Jimboleem Funny Status Messages

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!