@HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   Relax guys, I'm pretty sure Kim Jong died a long time ago when he jumped off the Empire State Building.

   I take the cat approach to things now. When people that I don't like pass by, I just hiss at them.

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.

   Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple has announced that there will be no 2012, only 2011S.

   I wounder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads

   I'm assuming everyone else also spent the whole day stockpiling downloaded porn to their computer too; just in case SOPA passes, right guys?

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   Whoever taught Yoda English in High School did a horrible job.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.