Funny Status Messages

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up

   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   I read that the first vibrator was created to cure women who had hysteria....So I guess they created the first vacuum hose to cure men high blood pressure...

   Being honest doesn't mean you tell your Grandmother her breath stinks.

   I had a really big hangover this morning. I sat on the edge of the bed naked.

   I know a girl that's had so many guys that CSI refer to her as "DNA storage unit"...

   Facebook is like jail you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

   Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, there is Sit on My Ass and Watch Football Sunday!

   just made cranberry sauce vodka shots

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.

   girlfriends don't cry.... thats just blackmail

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   I think I'm just gonna start hittin' on Facebook friends that I can't remember why were friends. This way I dont have to defriend them.

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬