Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   You put the ID in stupid.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.