Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   Max Factor - A mathematical equation based on the density of the makeup applied to a woman's face to determine if she is really beautiful.

   Why do they even make car alarms anymore? When's the last time you heard one and didn't just walk away muttering about what a douche they are?

   Likes are like crabs. Regardless of what you say - if you're trashy enough, you'll get them often.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   i like my women like I like my stamps, lick them and send them on their way.

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?