Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   You don't have to like me, because I'm gonna force you to eventually.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.