Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   You KNOW the economy is bad when the dancers at this strip club are walking around with change belts. I guess it's time to make it HAIL on these b!tches!!

   The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.

   I wish I could have an out of body experience... especially when it's time to go to work.

   Why do Mexicans wear "sombreros?" Where else would they put their tacos while stealing your hub caps?

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   Even after a long day at work, I often take work related things home with me." ~ Me referring to the hot women from the accounting department.

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.