Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   If you lick your sandwich in front of me so I won't steal it when you walk off, I will lick the other side.

   I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...

   It's the beginning of the drinken! (thirsty Thursday, effed up Friday, sh!tfaced Saturday, sure why not it's Sunday,) maybe Monday, try not Tuesday and WTF I already drank all week Wednesday. Repeat.

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.