Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.