andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.