Mickey Funny Status Messages

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.

   I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.

   Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.

   I had lunch today with a woman. Okay, so the woman was on a TV show eating at the same time I was. Okay, so the woman was Berta from Two and a Half Men.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   Gray Matter Matters

   The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."

   If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.