Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!