Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   Why do men twist their wedding ring? They are trying to work out the combination.

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.