Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.

   There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.