Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   We used a blow up doll for a raft one time. You should have seen the looks on the parents faces. It was awesome. Giddyup!

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,