zinc Funny Status Messages

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed and that is pretty close.

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   Do jews celebrate labor day or do they gotta be different like usual

   I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't