joser Funny Status Messages

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   wants you to read this status... Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now bring me a beer!

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   Condom says to Tampax.."You put me outta Business for 1 week a month. Tampax says to Condom..."If you don't do your job I lose mine for 9 months."

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.