flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe