Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?