Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   A hard-0n doesn't count as personal growth.

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   Internet searches get you many results, most are different and leaves one more confused than before the search. As a source for answers, the much lauded "Super Information Highway" has become the "Road To Nowhere".

   Screvving with a rubber is like eating steak with a balloon on your tongue.

   White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.

   Yeah yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Better than a Dumb Fokker.

   I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.

   I just invented a birth control pill for men. I figure it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

   Who remembers when big ol' gigantic ol' Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet? Okay it was a storage unit but.....

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Those three little words. Those three little wonderful words that mean so much. Yes. Those three little wonderful words: "HEY LET'S EAT!"

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.