Mick F Funny Status Messages

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   When I was a kid, I didn't think humans could move their feet like Fred Flintstone. That is until that time the Ice Cream truck passed my house without stopping.

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   Me: If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. She: If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

   I donated my body to science....fiction.

   Frustration 2011: A pic of several women. They're all tagged EXCEPT the only hot one.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   The way I see it...if that Snooki character can be perceived as hot, we ALL have a shot at the same distorted perception.

   Just finished a frenzied reciprocal poke session on facebook. I think my finger just came.

   They say pot is a Gateway drug. If I don't hurry up and smoke some, this POS Gateway computer is going out the window.

   Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.

   I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.