JBabcock Funny Status Messages

   You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.

   "The Lord moves in mysterious ways" said Peter while Jesus did the moonwalk.

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   I won't ever drink nasty Pumkin Ale again. The taste makes me think of The Great Pumpkin standing at a urinal.

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   Honk if you love a peaceful and quiet drive.

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Why thank you for the nausea Halitosis Man!... Hopefully you'll be around to save me with your super powered sh!t breath if I ever accidentally swallow poison.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   Don't you hate it when you see a kid picking her nose in public and her Mom , who is aware, thinks it's “cute”. Makes me want to say “Eat it. It's finger licking good.”

   I hate it when some popular girl form high school goes on an on about her life. I'm like woman shut your hole. Your mouth's had more pr*cks in it than a tavern dartboard.

   It's sad but Stevie Wonder's gotten so heavy he can't see his d*ck anymore.

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.