GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   The world would be a much better place if everyone grew vegetables instead of electing them.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.