BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".

   WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"