@OMFG_Rel8able Funny Status Messages

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”

   Greatest fear in life…. Someone will find a way to retrieve everything I've ever googled.

   Dang, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Oh so now I'm invisible to you? That's cool. I've always wanted a superpower.

   Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.

   I look around when talking to someone because lets face it direct eye contact is weird sometimes!

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   They say, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger, I was so cute. :D

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   EGSG «—- Scrambled eggs

   I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me????

   Nothing in life is “fun for the whole family.”

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”!!!

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!

   If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack

   "Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!

   The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser