Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   If after many drinks she still looks ugly put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   If you think I care about what you think of me, then you've highly over estimated my opinion of you.

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.