Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down and use a lubricant

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.