Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   I hate it when someone starts telling me something, but they end up saying "nevermind."

   This beer just accepted my friend request!

   Sitting in the theater, ready to watch the move then BAM!!! The human giraffe decides to sit in front of you!

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!