Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   It's weird how a crazy white woman gets away with murder and we STILL don't know who killed Tupac o.O

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!