Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?