Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.