andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"

   "This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.