Michael Funny Status Messages

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   "What is an alcoholic Candadian woman with no talent, Alex"

   A look back on Facebook: 4,500,000,000 BC - 2005 AD .... cricket, cricket, cricket. 2005-2014 "Hey everyone! Look at what I had for dinner!

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..

   I like to think that "I don't give a f*&k', but I don't not give a f*&k nearly as much as this dude sitting next to me on the train whos watching hardcore anime p0rn.

   Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   An app that displays the word "Yo" on a freinds lock screen... and that's all it does has raised over $1 million. In related news, I no longer want to live on this planet anymore.

   So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.

   Burger King has accepted the Tax Duck-it Challenge. They have no challenged Yum Brands, Panera Bread, and White Castle. You have 24 hours or you will have to donate $8 billion to Obama's Economic Patriotism initiative.

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   it really fair to say that Joan Rivers died at 81? Most of her wasn't even old enough to drink.

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.