MBH Funny Status Messages

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.