Jbabcock Funny Status Messages

   Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.

   In grade school I dreamed of having a supersized tree house and a flyable jetpack. now that I'm grown up all I want is 2 dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul Commercial.

   Visiting your extremely religious Grandma can be a day full of uncomfortable feelings and guilt. This is because Grandma has a little Dogma that's obsessed with chasing after everyone elses Karma.

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.

   When I was a boy all I ever wanted was super sized tree house and a Jetson style Jetpack. But then my desires became more grown up over the years and now all I want is some dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul commercials

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon

   What I resent most about 2011 : No Jetson Backpacks

   I have a picture of myself in my wall in my nursing uniform holding two empty bedpans. That way when they show me a photo of their honor studen or their new car I can show them a photo of me not giving two sh!ts.

   I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.

   The 12th beer of a 12 pack always tastes a little bit like I'm calling off tomorrow.

   Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?

   Whoever said "It's what's on the inside that counts the most" never met my ex and experienced how full of sh!t she is.

   You never know how strong you really are until you quit bathing.

   The board game "Sorry' has done nothing but help several generations of Americans say that particular word like a true smart@ss.

   "In the libray by Prof. Plum with a wrench!!..No?! Um- Then in the Den by Col. Mustard with a Candlestick!! No?! Umm..."-said our political leaders who don't have a f*cking Clue as to what's killing our economy or how to fix it.

   There's a fine line between mandatory overtime shifts and a hostage situation.