Jake Funny Status Messages

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   After a night of passion, I told my new girlfriend that she was the frist one I've ever been with. She smiled and said really? I said yea, the other's were sevens and eights. :)

   Being a human cannibal is the only job where you can be fired evey day and still keep your job :)

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.