GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.