BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I hope they have strippers at my funeral.

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.