@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   I wanna buy dolphins and dress 'em in suits so that I can tell my accountant I bought 'em for business porpoises... and we would laugh and laugh.

   Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   I take context out of things.

   Chemically speaking... alcohol is a solution.

   Look... if you have both toilet paper and bath towels in your bathroom... I am going to assume you are giving me a choice.

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

   "Right." - Fred

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members... that's how dangerous they are.

   I have an appointment with a specialist to look into my memory problems... and apparently, it was yesterday.