@OMFG_Rel8able Funny Status Messages

   getting ready to give her sheets some ass & her pillow some head ...good night everybody

   Don't be unhappy if your dreams never come true -- just be thankful your nightmares don't.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!!

   It wasn't my fault I got drunk!!! I was thirsty ;) x

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download money ;)

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important

   That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

   Good new and bad news. Bad news: No good news. Good news: No bad news.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   I'm a lazy ass texter, unless you're cute, or I like you.

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   When FB stalking someone & I find out their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!