Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"