santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.

   TAMPAX has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel ....... This is for the Christmas period only!

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   To America's welfare recipients ..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas".. From the rest of us hard working Americans slaving away every freakin' Day to provide for your well being.

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.