Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.