Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."