Funny Status Messages
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Remember when the economy was so good that if someone had a roommate we thought they were gay ? 
Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.
No Burger King Day - Joe Biden
Why does the last bite always taste like fish?
I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.
I've walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, Walked this Way, walked on the wild side, walked on Sunshine, walked all over you and walked the line. I've done a lot of walking. I'm tired.
Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"
Yesterday I bought a map of the world. I then gave my wife a dart, and told her to throw it, and wherever it lands, I'll take you there on holiday. This year, we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. 🤣
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don't have one.
Have you ever had one of those days, when you're holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata? 