Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...