Funny Status Messages

   Crackheads be like.. “I’ll HUFF & I'll PUFF, and Pawn all your STUFF”

   When you pee in a pop bottle and give it to someone and say, “ here, try this smello yellow.”

   Be the person no one was prepared to deal with.

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   We're much safer from the climate because we're richer: Climate expert

   Come on hurricanes, get with the climate change program.

   I wonder if we’ll be getting a photo of the person whose student loan we’re paying off?

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.

   The world is becoming increasingly dumb and I refuse to go along with it.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   Mike who cheese Harry

   busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   Friday night

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?